Self-Reliant Part Five
Part Five in a Eight-Part Series
Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World
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We're talking about feelings. And self-control.
"When children realize that feelings are LEGITIMATE and WORTHY, they are ready to take the next step -- self-control."
So, the first step is to recognize, interpret and acknowledge feelings. Our own and our childrens.
"Mommy is feeling really tired. I need a minute to rest." or "Why did you throw that block? Are you feeling frustrated?" "It's OK to feel sad. Let's talk about it."
Ever have a fight with your husband and just VENT all over him before you had really processed where the feelings were coming from?? Yep. We've had those moments. Glenn and Nelson say, "The best time to discuss an angry moment is soon enough after the incident to recall the emotion, but long enough afterward to permit objectivity."
I hate it when I say, "OK, let's wait awhile before we discuss this -- I need to cool down." And then I can't remember why I was so upset. Aaaaaah! So, if it's a valid, important emotion, write it down! Describe it on paper. Then, when you've regained calm and logic, discuss it with your spouse {or child}.
But don't follow up an argument by saying "I'm sorry I got angry" or "I'm sorry I was upset". Don't apologize for valid emotions, apologize for your response to the emotions. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings by venting." That's real emotion.
"Children develop self-control when they learn to see the correlation between feelings and actions, actions and outcomes."
Say, "You spilled milk all over the floor and made a mess! Now we have to clean it up. Hopefully it didn't cause any permanent damage." The child can hopefully make the connection between their mistake and the consequence. Will they be more careful next time?
Our feelings DO impact our actions. Our actions DO affect others and ourselves.
What about self-discipline? When we are aware of our feelings and the resulting actions -- aware of the consequences or rewards -- aware of the system of cause-to-effect -- we will understand better the benefits of delayed gratification and self-discipline.
"Self-discipline can only be taught by parents who are mature enough and who love their children enough to avoid pampering them!"
No permission slip? Sorry, you can't go. Hope you remember it next time! Where's your dinner? You didn't come when it was time to eat. You'll be given another opportunity at the next meal! TOUGH LOVE teaches important lessons.
Let them experience the consequences of their choices!!!!
This book tells the story of one Mom who took long showers or long walks in the morning to avoid reminding or threatening her children about hurrying up to avoid being late!!
"Children who can assess their feelings and select their reactions with an eye to achieving a chosen goal are on the path toward effectiveness in a complex world rich with opportunity."
YEAH.
Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World
-----------------------------
We're talking about feelings. And self-control.
"When children realize that feelings are LEGITIMATE and WORTHY, they are ready to take the next step -- self-control."
So, the first step is to recognize, interpret and acknowledge feelings. Our own and our childrens.
"Mommy is feeling really tired. I need a minute to rest." or "Why did you throw that block? Are you feeling frustrated?" "It's OK to feel sad. Let's talk about it."
Ever have a fight with your husband and just VENT all over him before you had really processed where the feelings were coming from?? Yep. We've had those moments. Glenn and Nelson say, "The best time to discuss an angry moment is soon enough after the incident to recall the emotion, but long enough afterward to permit objectivity."
I hate it when I say, "OK, let's wait awhile before we discuss this -- I need to cool down." And then I can't remember why I was so upset. Aaaaaah! So, if it's a valid, important emotion, write it down! Describe it on paper. Then, when you've regained calm and logic, discuss it with your spouse {or child}.
But don't follow up an argument by saying "I'm sorry I got angry" or "I'm sorry I was upset". Don't apologize for valid emotions, apologize for your response to the emotions. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings by venting." That's real emotion.
"Children develop self-control when they learn to see the correlation between feelings and actions, actions and outcomes."
Say, "You spilled milk all over the floor and made a mess! Now we have to clean it up. Hopefully it didn't cause any permanent damage." The child can hopefully make the connection between their mistake and the consequence. Will they be more careful next time?
Our feelings DO impact our actions. Our actions DO affect others and ourselves.
What about self-discipline? When we are aware of our feelings and the resulting actions -- aware of the consequences or rewards -- aware of the system of cause-to-effect -- we will understand better the benefits of delayed gratification and self-discipline.
"Self-discipline can only be taught by parents who are mature enough and who love their children enough to avoid pampering them!"
No permission slip? Sorry, you can't go. Hope you remember it next time! Where's your dinner? You didn't come when it was time to eat. You'll be given another opportunity at the next meal! TOUGH LOVE teaches important lessons.
Let them experience the consequences of their choices!!!!
This book tells the story of one Mom who took long showers or long walks in the morning to avoid reminding or threatening her children about hurrying up to avoid being late!!
"Children who can assess their feelings and select their reactions with an eye to achieving a chosen goal are on the path toward effectiveness in a complex world rich with opportunity."
YEAH.